When does relaxation become an obligation?
When does the thing we do for fun, that we use to unwind and put ourselves out of the real world for a while, become something that we are obligated to do, no questions asked? Is it still relaxation at that point? Are we still gleaning fun from it, if it is something that we are forced to do? Does it lessen the experience, or make it any more or less important that it be done?
For the record, I’m not questioning whether or not I’m still having fun with this website and my artwork in general; I’m absolutely still enjoying it and I don’t plan on stopping any time soon. But in a sense, it does relate to what I’m thinking about. I’ve set myself an upload schedule, and I get disappointed when I deviate from it, and sometimes the artwork doesn’t flow the way it should when I need it to. This can very easily sap the joy out of creating, and this craft that I love can seem like a chore. Yet after it all, I’m still here doing it; it remains relevant, because my upload schedule may be disrupted soon due to a bunch of social obligations that are the real focus of this philosophical musing.
As I’ve mentioned before, my primary hobby outside of art is role-playing games; I got into Dungeons and Dragons several years ago, and have since become the de facto Dungeon Master for my friends, and I’ve made many new friends through the hobby. I enjoy the creativity, the collaborative narrative, the improvisational nature of the storytelling; it’s my no-holds-barred creative downtime activity. However, I was slated for no fewer than three evening D&D games from tonight through Sunday, each one different from the last; in tonight’s game, I would get to be a player instead of DM, Friday’s game is a paid gig, and Sunday night is me running for a group of friends. Naturally, this may set my artwork back a touch (I’ll still be uploading; tomorrow’s page is done, though Monday’s might be late), but I don’t mind so much because I enjoy playing the game. That said, the motivation levels for each of those groups is variable.
Sunday is a long-running game that we’ve recently returned to, so I’m happy to be back at it; it’s a fun time, the players are great, etc. I’m getting paid for Friday’s game, so by default I’m obligated to be there, but I’m okay with that, because the vibe is still good. Tonight, on the other hand, where I have the least responsibility, somehow feels the most mandatory of the lot; due to some bizarre rules that were supposedly in place before we started, there are certain people in the group that make it feel like missing the game is a criminal offence. Now, I hate missing out on a session as much as the next person, but the last time we cancelled on this group was due to some very real health concerns, and we didn’t want to progress with half a group; we were still made to feel like the guilty party for backing out. It sparked some rather nasty passive aggressive arguing, and we all agreed to let it go, but it was still enough for me to jump on any excuse to worm my way out of going tonight. I didn’t do so because I’d get more free time (as nice as that would have been), rather because a Shakespeare play of all things, sounded more appealing.
So in comparison, the game that I’m the most obligated to be at feels like the freshest thing on the menu, while the one where I have the least responsibilities feels like the leftover sandwich that’s been in the back of the fridge for several weeks. I guess that means that a hobby only starts to feel like a chore if it is actively treated like one. I may have an update schedule for my artwork, but if it slips, I am the authority that can give myself some slack; I may be paid to run a D&D game, but if I have to cancel, I know that the people involved will understand. It’s when someone else tries to put the yoke on me, someone seemingly less understanding and more entitled, that they cause the thing I would normally enjoy to become a thankless task. It’s probably why day jobs feel so exhausting, and why so many kids hate school; having the power and agency to decide when and how you have fun is what makes it fun in the first place.
Guess this means I should keep a close eye on games in the future; if this Thursday group is still as tense as I suspect it might be, it may be worth cutting that thread completely. There are less toxic ways I could be spending my free time, like say, getting more comics done.
Ciao for now.